Su’s A{muse}d Bouche

I have a deep appreciation of food. The kind of passion that meant I let out a groan of delight during the opening sequence of the film Chef and savoured the conversation in The Last Holiday where two of the characters discuss the joy of butter.  I have an adventurous palate and on most evenings, have settled in to watch something themed around food. Of all the niche markets that exist for blogging- one would reasonably expect that I would have tried my hand at food blogging or fashion blogging because I am a person who wears clothes and makeup. I can’t.

Heaven knows I recycle the same outfits and have a basic makeup routine so fashion blogging is out of the question (especially since my outfit today was an old concert tee and cut off shorts that are inappropriate for leaving the house). Obviously calling the succulents on my nightstand “my babies” isn’t enough of a qualification for me to venture into Mummy Blogging.

I guess the reason this blog isn’t Su’s A{muse}d Bouche is because the kind of review I would write wouldn’t go down too well with those in the know and even worse with those out of the loop who had hoped for some information. But I do eat out often and here are some notable experiences (with lashings of thinly veiled truths and a peppering of embellishments).

 Here is a selection of reviews from an imagined food blog I couldn't create:

“Amazing Scent Gelato and Coffee”

The quaint exterior that is visible from the road does not do justice to the delights that lie within. The selection of flavours can be likened to the feeling you had as a child when your fantasies of food veered on the fantastical side. The offerings are consistently light, well balanced and have you coming back for more. Gelato that mimics Nutella or your favourite bar of chocolate and sorbets that might as well be a fresh bite of a juicy blood orange… The Tuesday special is excellent.

Especially if the Tuesday in question is one where you are scheduled to meet your ex-boyfriend so he may return your movie loyalty card.

 He alleges to have other things of yours to return and you find yourself waiting with board games he left at your house and a selection of ugly shirts that should have been incinerated. Nevertheless, it was wise to arrive early with a friend and select some delicious gelato. She chose the pistachio and you found yourself with a scoop of hazelnut chocolate. Both are excellent and you will probably find that you both marvel at the texture. He will arrive in a dark cloud, order a scoop of grapefruit sorbet and leave you with just a movie card and a dour comment about forgetting everything else he was meant to give back. The peppermint tarts are excellent accompaniments to a cold shoulder being given to the man who has tried his hardest to ruin your day. Your day will not be ruined if you have a scoop of this gelato! 8/10

“ Arbitrary Number Café 1”

My first thought when I walked in was that this was the kind of establishment I would take my mistress (if I had one) to for a lovely brunch. It is quiet, an escape from the busy suburb that lies outside the walls and very tranquil. I would NOT recommend the quiche- it is watery and badly seasoned.

 However, the lack of this is made up for by a salty encounter with Em from your study group who couldn’t make a meeting because she had contracted a terrible stomach bug. As you grimace through the grainy quiche, you see her across the courtyard- in high spirits and enjoying what looks like a salmon bagel. 2/10 but Em (when asking for the minutes of the meeting) said her bagel was a 5/10

“Viva Italiana!”

An excellent choice for an intimate, romantic dinner. The Valentine’s Day Menu is a 7-course extravaganza that reads like a dream. I unfortunately had been partially stuffed from a romantic picnic earlier that day so the charm of the plate of buck carpaccio was lost on me (it was too much for a starter). But I powered through. I made my way through cocktails, a buttery steak that sung on my tongue and I conquered the dessert pizza that arrived laden with cream and chocolate. I opted out of the oysters because my taste doesn’t extend that far into the ocean- which is an attribute my friend described as being peasant-like.

I think the meal at Viva Italiana serves as a testament to how much I am willing to go through to show my appreciation for the unnecessarily grand gestures of a loved one. Even if, a year on, the same loved one turns out to be sabotaging your attempts to lose weight, and effectively keeping you by his side (while feeling chubby and lethargic) by taking you to places that serve delicious pastas slathered in cream and olive oil. I powered through and the sherbet flavoured palate cleanser is such a wonderful relief from the carb heavy courses that find their way to your table. Make a point of going back when you’ve been single for a few months and your waistline is greatly reduced. 8.5/10

“City Bistro”

Apparently, it will be inappropriate to write a food review when my meal consisted of a glass of tap water (served with ice and lemon) and two chips off my friend’s plate because I wasn’t hungry that day. 3/10

“Arbitrary Number Café 2”

I’ve enjoyed the food here immensely. Generally choosing the option of creating my own sandwich which invariably is a combination of meat and cheese. They serve this warm, toasted sandwich with a mound of fluffy potato salad and chunks of earthy beetroot. I’ve been told by someone in the know that there is an excellent coffee table book about The Beatles that you can flip through while enjoying a latte. I wouldn’t know because when said person showed me the book, I was too distracted by… Well I was distracted because he is nice to look at and I did not get past the foreword (much like the pull of the potato salad next to a sandwich, I could not resist). 

The sandwich was enjoyed on a separate occasion. Instead I ordered just the freshly squeezed orange juice and the ratio of liquid to pulp was perfect. I would not recommend having discreet meetings there because it is very easy for your best friend to arrive, suddenly, to give back an arbitrary item of clothing or a book and use the opportunity to give your date the once over. You should use the opportunity of them making small talk to quickly look at that book about the Beatles. 8/10

“Bonecrunchers”

Would highly recommend even though I only had a cup of coffee. The waiters leave you be as you read sad poetry and waste some time before your shift at work. The coffee served has a wonderful symphony of notes and the biscotti served with it is excellent. 9/10

“Clugg and Lean”

The chicken thing with chorizo I used to like is no longer on the menu. Would avoid the vegan carrot soup because it is foul and the selection of drinks seems bizarre. Not as bizarre as the encounter with someone who I used to text sporadically and then had a date/coffee thing with in March, after which I never heard from them again. They also took my friend to Clugg and Lean for a similar experience in April. Which is where I encountered him again while chewing on some warmed ciabatta dipped in the foul carrot soup. 5/10

“Asian Lotus Sushi Bar”

Haven’t actually eaten here but my best friend once went to the buffet with a Tupperware in her bag for sneaky secret takeaways- so it must be good! 10/10

“The Great Fusion Bar”

This is the sort of establishment I could go on and on about. The pillowy texture of the pork buns, the soft heat of the kimchi and the delectable chicken with coconut rice. The gin based cocktails pair wonderfully with the ceviche that is laced with pickled lemon and spring onion. But it is also the sort of place I can never return to since it falls under the list of Places I Went To With My Ex (along with the supermarket near my house, the burger place with tantalising milkshakes and that garage along the N2 with lovely pies.)

If you go, go with platonic friends and amiable relatives. Your mouth should not be robbed of the sensation of the spicy wings and gingery noodles just because it is also what you had when you went there for his birthday. 9/10 (the 10/10 was reduced due to external circumstances)

“Chaucer’s”

I don’t actually know why I go to this particular establishment as often as I do. I am not a fan of the slow service or the wilted side salad that accompanies the meals. I think we like the proximity it has to our daily lives and also the fact that my best friend’s favourite sandwich (a bacon and egg tramezzini) is only served there.

 Another point in it’s favour is the sparkling conversation you can overhear when you sit on the outside deck, sipping a cider after 12. It is also a wonderful place to people-watch lecturers who lunch in their surprising cliques and on one occasion- see two of your friends who never seem to be free having a secret tea together without you. 5/10

"Old Sicily"

The beef ragu served over tagliatelle is well balanced and the kind of inviting dish that takes you to the childhood in Italy you never had. I had a few bites of the mushrooms tossed in cream and penne and it was the kind of experience that would make me consider vegetarianism, briefly. 

The leftovers you take home will be delicious the next morning when you microwave it and try to ignore your grandmother telling you to stop going to nice restuarants and ordering noodles. Savour the garlicy delights and think of your nona in Italy. 9.2/10

“Aunty Farrah’s”

I found myself sitting in a cloud of someone else’s strawberry hookah smoke on many occasions in my first year. Of course, the food is sensational! Authentic flavours of smoky spices wrapped in chewy pita bread and served with the kind of slap chips that would be the ideal hangover cure. It was also at this fine establishment, I was asked by my quirky new friends (who I had met outside my criminology lecture two days before) if I could tell which one in their group was a virgin. Being one myself, I assume that everyone else had… They meant a virgin to the food at Aunty Farrah’s.

Again: I was still the only virgin. 6/10.